My Journey To The Island

I Would like to start this off by saying how much i loathe the source from which all my inspiration stems. However, without it I seem to do no meaningful writing what so ever. Irony, I'm lovin' it. So, I usually think along the lines of emotions, and how to over come them. I have thought myself a sort of genius as i was able to belittle the power our emotions have over us. In my opinion, it is our own psyche that controls our emotions. Manipulate your psyche, you manipulate your emotions and attitudes toward a certain situation or ordeal. The flaw in my reasoning is that i thought that I had found a cure. But how can i assume i have when i never looked for the source of that which had ailed me? You can only effectively fix something if you know how at works because once you do you can single out that which is not working properly. Otherwise, what i have deemed to be a solution is only a temporary numbing of emotional turmoil, but not a cure. It's a way to numb ourselves, which in its own right is useful for its own purposes. I wonder though, would ignoring an issue that is causing emotional distress cause the problem to fester?

I have been having radical, unexplainable emotional patterns. I remind myself of a pregnant lady. Sudden outburst of rage, nervousness, irritability, and unexplainable friendliness to people i had been extremely prejudiced against, to mention a few. All this could happen within the hour, but as random as my behavior is there is always that unyielding, unwavering feeling of unease. Something is missing, and the cliche "there's a hole inside" would definitely apply to the way i have been feeling. It feels like i can not try to subdue these emotions without knowing why i feel the way i do. So, I started digging for answers, experimenting. The first experiment was to alienate people. I reasoned that if the people we care about the most are the ones with the most power to hurt us, then no one should be in a position where they can do any real harm. So, i decided to push my friends back. I did not want any trouble to come from the push though, so i did not end up pushing them as much as i pushed against them and let myself slide back. i found it to be a effective way not to alert them to any change. after all, some of the biggest changes that happen tend to be ones we barely notice or pay any mind to during our daily lives. kind of like the immense speed we are revolving with the Earth through space. Point being that it was a smooth transition from having many close friends to barely any at all. That, regretfully, was not enough to solve the problem. There was more that had to change.Logically, if there is a problem now, it must have been caused by something in the past. My past, however, is not something i enjoy visiting. For the sake of piece of mind though, i plunged as deep into its recesses as i could and found one particularly interesting thing.There are many things that have happened in the past that i do not know how i feel about. I am finding that intense emotions are hard to recognize. i caught myself wondering if i was extremely crushed or immensely relieved by a certain development. No wonder i felt uneasy.A past riddled with confused emotions is no easy thing to cure, and i am not naive enough to think i can find the answer to any question i pose to myself, or that any of my answers or solutions are right. Even if the methods i use to remedy what ails me work in their own right, like i already mentioned, it has so far merely been sedation. I wanted to know why i felt the way i did, and i was able to figure out why the same situation made me happy and upset at the same time, not that it was any help. The problem was with the sheer number of emotions which for the most part were hard to identify in most situations. So, like one would deny a disease to spread from a limb throughout the body, i decided to cut the problem at its source. I tried to get rid of my need for contact with people, but the attempt was as ridiculous as the notion sounds. it was not going to happen. instead, i began to give people reasons to want nothing to do with me. i would lead people to the decide that i am someone they should keep their distance from, if not cut off completely. I could not keep myself trying to get close to people forever, but i could definitely sabotage my chances.needless to say, casting myself away on an island worked to keep me from getting into any new trouble. Except there is certain contact we need as humans, the damn unreliable and flawed creatures that we are, and i find myself yearning more than ever for that contact. My reason has marooned me on an island and is keeping me from building a signal fire to attract the boats that are my salvation.

It seems that i have prevented the recurrence for a problem at great cost. It is starting to feel like the costs out weigh the benefits of my decision. Still, as long as i remind myself that i do not really need that contact, that the only harm it can do to me is psychological, i should be fine. People can not have power over me because if there is one thing i have learned from my past experiences is that some emotional wounds are deep enough that they never stop gushing blood. As for my psyche, i should be fine as long as i keep a firm hold on the part it is playing. that part being, mostly, to make me thing i need that contact when it is no more than another want.