Logic

There was a time when I was untouchable and utterly heartless, a state which would be heaven on Earth for anyone with strong enough wits to achieve. Lately, however, I have been feeling like a complete spectator, waving at the events of my life as they pass by. What I have been finding hard to understand is how I can see logic, but not be able to bind myself to it. You see, the world is very simple and its simplicity lies in our ability to ridicule ourselves. Emotions cannot exist for they are the very pillars of our anguish. Love is folly, and the people who allow themselves to believe in it are fools. It is immaturity and does not really exist. Immaturity is not saying you cannot live without someone, but believing it. Our emotions are fickle and are based on our most primitive impulses, which proves that we are as shallow as God's creatures will ever be. The reason for that is we cannot love that which we cannot see beauty in. This brings to the most important factor to consider, our minds.
Beauty is a matter of perspective, and perspective is how our minds have learned to interpret. So, no matter how amazing a person's personality and wits may be, unless some of his/her features appeal to someone's interpretation of beauty, this person will never be loved. Nevertheless, and it is only fair that I point out here that someone with incredible beauty but an unbearable personality and wits that would shame even a gold fish, will not be loved either. Point being that what us immature humans call love is actually compatibility. We "love" someone whose personality, appearance, and wits appeal to us, and what appeals to us best is that which we are familiar with, and therefore compatible with us. This is also, I believe, the reason for racism. People reject what is alien to them, and when living in a society dominated by a certain stereotype like light skin color, sudden exposure to anything different will trigger negative reactions.
Now, for the logic of this whole ordeal, emotions exist where logic does not. Emotion and logic cannot coexist for they are complete opposites. The world of logic states that there is no reason for someone to feel bad for losing a "loved" one. Here is where people would say, "But you will never speak, touch, see, hear… that person again," and logic says "So freakin' what?" The only emotions that logic allows to endure are those of pleasure, because logic states that we must pursue happiness. What really makes logic so powerful is its ability to manipulate and redefine happiness. Companionship has its ups, its addictive ups which are the cause for most of our grief. Here is where the real beauty of logic appears. When we find someone who is compatible with us we tend to cling, and when we lose that person emotions take their toll on us. However, if we but allow the stream of logic to pass undeterred we will easily realize that no matter how small the number of people compatible to yourself on Earth, its still an immense number and one which can provide enough hope to kill all despair.
If you are betrayed, lied to, scarred and discarded like no more than a candy wrapper, the question remains not whether you can fall in love again, but whether you should. In addition to that, the true quandary is if logic described the perfect person to you, and that person spat right in your face, can you still trust logic? And if you can not trust logic, your emotions, or even people, then what can you trust?

Drawing a Blank

Once again I find myself completely baffled, and utterly speechless. Peace cannot exist in a soul tainted with conflict. Since my last entry, every ounce of serenity I once indulged myself in has slowly deteriorated into naught but a crumble even an ant would not consider to be much. I am not so foolish as to think I can solve my quandary in a couple of hours, but I must start somewhere, and what better place to start than with the two things that separate us from the other creatures of this wet rock we call home?

I thought long and hard about my struggle with school work this year, and I think I have found the source of the problem. I am lost in a trance between 11th grade and university like this year which links the two does not exist. I find myself constantly thinking about what I am going to do after I graduate not what I am going to do in order to graduate. It's simple; the present exists but is masked by worries of the future and regrets of the past. So many there that by the time I am done worrying about the future and dwelling about the past, what was present would have become past, lost time that I spend the "now" regretting to have mislaid and planning not to again. I have fallen victim to a routine I have so far found impossible to escape. It is psychological, but I'm no shrink, and all the affairs of the heart have left me weak and weary enough to let my mind be overwhelmed by my relentless emotions.

Avoiding love's perilous clutches is impossible. Eventually, even the strongest of us shall fall victim to and live through the unyielding pain that comes along with it. I had given up on love, for she who stole my heart would not give up hers to compensate. I was heartbroken and depressed, but not going to let my feelings get the best of me. I was going to resist, and that is exactly what I did. Needless to say it was an ugly fight, but one that I ended to win; One that I won. Wars of the heart drench the soil with crimson sap, so although I prevailed, I do not know how much of myself survived. I wished I could have moved on to the next affair, but with love it is never that simple. Some how, she came back to me, and I experienced the most amazing time, and feelings I ever had. Sadly, it seems that some unearthly power thrives on filling my life with emotional turmoil. Backed into a corner with nothing else to do, she, who I can only describe as the most beautiful creature ever to walk this planet, and I, one humbled by the very fact that she knows I exist, were forced to separate. It is a cruel joke for two people to want each other but be kept apart by those who love them the most. It is even crueler for these people not to be able to look at each other for fear that the subdued pain of their separation would erupt and stab at them until they beg of their hearts to stop beating, or that is how it is for me. I do not know what I am feeling, have answers, or know what to do. What I do know is that ours is a barren road, at least until certain things, or individuals decide to let us through. So, there is nothing either of us can do to get what we want, each other. In that very fact lays the essence of my impasse. My mind, driven by the unwavering passion of my emotions, will not accept the fact that nothing can be done. I have come up with many a plan on how to make it work, but it seems no matter what I cook up, I find myself foiled by the same eight words that she said to me when we last talked. I loathe sharing these words, not because of what they are, for they are not as significant as you might think, but for the implications that they hold for me.
So, with so much on my mind, and a staggering inability to worry about one thing at a time, I have no idea how I am going to clean this mess up.

All I know is that every little thing is going to be alright, 'cause Bob Marley said so…