Drawing a Blank

Once again I find myself completely baffled, and utterly speechless. Peace cannot exist in a soul tainted with conflict. Since my last entry, every ounce of serenity I once indulged myself in has slowly deteriorated into naught but a crumble even an ant would not consider to be much. I am not so foolish as to think I can solve my quandary in a couple of hours, but I must start somewhere, and what better place to start than with the two things that separate us from the other creatures of this wet rock we call home?

I thought long and hard about my struggle with school work this year, and I think I have found the source of the problem. I am lost in a trance between 11th grade and university like this year which links the two does not exist. I find myself constantly thinking about what I am going to do after I graduate not what I am going to do in order to graduate. It's simple; the present exists but is masked by worries of the future and regrets of the past. So many there that by the time I am done worrying about the future and dwelling about the past, what was present would have become past, lost time that I spend the "now" regretting to have mislaid and planning not to again. I have fallen victim to a routine I have so far found impossible to escape. It is psychological, but I'm no shrink, and all the affairs of the heart have left me weak and weary enough to let my mind be overwhelmed by my relentless emotions.

Avoiding love's perilous clutches is impossible. Eventually, even the strongest of us shall fall victim to and live through the unyielding pain that comes along with it. I had given up on love, for she who stole my heart would not give up hers to compensate. I was heartbroken and depressed, but not going to let my feelings get the best of me. I was going to resist, and that is exactly what I did. Needless to say it was an ugly fight, but one that I ended to win; One that I won. Wars of the heart drench the soil with crimson sap, so although I prevailed, I do not know how much of myself survived. I wished I could have moved on to the next affair, but with love it is never that simple. Some how, she came back to me, and I experienced the most amazing time, and feelings I ever had. Sadly, it seems that some unearthly power thrives on filling my life with emotional turmoil. Backed into a corner with nothing else to do, she, who I can only describe as the most beautiful creature ever to walk this planet, and I, one humbled by the very fact that she knows I exist, were forced to separate. It is a cruel joke for two people to want each other but be kept apart by those who love them the most. It is even crueler for these people not to be able to look at each other for fear that the subdued pain of their separation would erupt and stab at them until they beg of their hearts to stop beating, or that is how it is for me. I do not know what I am feeling, have answers, or know what to do. What I do know is that ours is a barren road, at least until certain things, or individuals decide to let us through. So, there is nothing either of us can do to get what we want, each other. In that very fact lays the essence of my impasse. My mind, driven by the unwavering passion of my emotions, will not accept the fact that nothing can be done. I have come up with many a plan on how to make it work, but it seems no matter what I cook up, I find myself foiled by the same eight words that she said to me when we last talked. I loathe sharing these words, not because of what they are, for they are not as significant as you might think, but for the implications that they hold for me.
So, with so much on my mind, and a staggering inability to worry about one thing at a time, I have no idea how I am going to clean this mess up.

All I know is that every little thing is going to be alright, 'cause Bob Marley said so…